10-Booster Gold and Skeets

So let me get this straight.  Skeets is a robot from the future armed with centuries of knowledge about human events and yet he somehow doesn’t know that he’s named after a cum shot?  There’s no way that’s logical, so it’s pretty clear that Skeets is some sort of futuristic sex robot and that Booster Gold is his golden haired frat boy lover.  I mean what other explanation is there for this extremely intelligent machine to align itself with a pompous douchebag like Booster unless he was getting some sweet human/robot love.  In 52 we even see Skeets get infected with a parasitic being that is clearly some metaphor for robo-AIDS.  While they may not be the creepiest sidekick/hero duo on the surface, these two take the cake for best undercover creepiness in comics.-ASW

9-Jay and Silent Bob

Jay and Silent Bob weren’t the first creepy sidekick-y duo, but they certainly dove into it with the most vigor. One has to assume that Jay is the hero (boggles the mind) and Silent Bob is the sidekick (he doesn’t fucking speak), though I might make the argument that they are mutual sidekicks, which is inherently creepy.  It is as though they were both destined for sidekick-ery, but were never paired with their true heros.  Nothing creepier than that, I gotta say.  But they really make up for their misplacement by having creepy dialogue, which is impressive that it really IS dialogue even though Jay is almost always the only one talking.  Bob’s creepy silence mixed with his eyes (and those eyebrows!) give him more than half of the conveyed dialogue…which leads me to believe that Silent Bob is the hero and Jay is his jester-like sidekick.  Either way I am just glad that I am neither one of those guys-LF

8-Mr. Roarke and Tattoo

I’m not going to lie, I only remember bits and slices of Fantasy Island. The only thing I can remember about it was how creeptastic the relationship between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo was. If this were an Island that can make anything happen… why one earth would Mr. Roarke want Tattoo as his go to sidekick, partner in crime, amigo!? Couldn’t he have any kind of fantastical help on his side? Why wouldn’t he choose a talking monkey or something ultimately fantasy based- like a unicorn. Sure they aren’t as a practical as a little man, but dude should have conjured something just a little bit more awesome- or at least less of a thick accent so everyone could understand him??- MV

7-Green Arrow and Speedy

Everyone knows Green Arrow is basically a backup batman, except people who don’t know who Green Arrow is. Batman has no powers but a lot of skills? So does Green Arrow. Batman has a ton of money? Green Arrow too. Douchey real name? Lives in a made up city? Sometimes inexplicably hates superman? Triplecheck. Here’s what I’m getting to: we all know Batman and Robin are the great grandaddies of creepy sidekick relationships, but that means Green Arrow went out and got himself a Speedy just because Batman has one. That’s no reason to take an orphan under your care and it really shows, especially after Green Arrow loses his fortunes and basically starts ignoring him. Speedy joins a band and starts doing Heroin. Green Arrow’s response is to punch him in the face and throw him out on the street, presumably for playing that damned rock-n-roll music. Speedy later loses his arm. Green Arrow replaces him with an HIV positive ex-child prostitute. Are we doing a saddest heroes/sidekicks anytime soon? -DT

6-Indy and Short Round

The thinking behind this is simple: Short Round was added to the Indiana Jones series for the same reasons that characters get pregnant in the fifth season of TV series. The writers/producers are worried that people will get bored, and they need to throw a kid in there to mix it up. Indiana Jones becoming a family man would certainly have been a turn for the worse, so in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, we get a sidekick named Short Round. In the case of the movie, a backstory is unnecessary. Let’s just get to the action and go, which Temple of Doom does, if nothing else. But as we look back on what is now known as “No Longer the Worst Indian Jones Movie”, we can wonder exactly how these two found each other. My guess? Indiana Jones had a lab with a giant amplifiers, and Short Round would regularly come over to play the guitar, turning the amp so loud he would blow himself across the room. Yeah…like that makes sense. – RH

5- Doc Brown and Marty

How did we just gloss over this one for so long? How can one of the favorite movies of an entire generation not demand an explanation for this? We got two sequels, sure, but how about a prequel? How come Marty never said “Wait a second…I’m going to take this time machine back to 1982, when I met Doc, to see how a mad scientist living in suburbia became the best friend to a high school student”? It’s not just that these guys are neighbors, or have friends in common. They love each other. It’s not in a gay way; it’s a pure, wholesome passion for each other and their company. There are so many moments throughout the trilogy where they fight for each other, scream for each other, and put their lives on the line for each other, and although I’m sure discovering time travel in the parking lot of the Hill Valley Mall together is quite the bonding experience, there has to be more. And did Marty’s parents, pre or post Biff getting knocked the fuck out, ever have any questions as to why their son’s best friend is the neighborhood quack and community pariah? So many questions, so very few answers — RH

4- Crimson Bolt and Boltie

In the affairs of the hero and sidekick relationship, we blame the hero for the awkward creepiness. It’s usually the hero that seduces the younger, more impressionable sidekick into a life devoted to solving crimes or beating up badguys or being a professional protege. And why not? It has to be a huge ego-boost. But in the case of Bolty, she brings every bit of crazy that her sidekickee was missing. Now don’t get me wrong, the Crimson Bolt obviously still has issues. Bolty, played by Ellen Page, however, has much deeper problems going on and fortunately, for us and no one else, wears them on her sleeve. The whole relationship takes a turn for the creepiest when the erotic thrill of being a superhero becomes too much for Bolty to handle, and rapes the Crimson Bolt. That’s right, fanboys: Juno rapes Dwight. Get in to it, which you’re allowed to do, because girl on guy rape is not as looked down upon as the reverse sitch. – RH

3- Samwise and Frodo

Frodo’s to-do list is pretty large today. Get a new circle door, smoke some of that hobbit sticky-icky, throw a giant ring in a volcano.  He’s going to be busy. He’s going to need some help. And sure, at least one of every type of character is going to throw their weapon into the middle of the circle, stating that they’re going to help. But who’s the only one who is going with him, all the with way with him, so to speak, who has no discernible talents or skills whatsoever? That’s right, it’s Sam. Sam steps up and says “I’m going to be by your side for every step of this journey, even though I can’t do shit, I’m some how shorter than you are, and I’m obsessed with potatoes.” I’m sure Frodo is a little confused, if not saddened that his sidekick couldn’t be someone other than a fat Goonie, but in the end, everything works out OK. I guess. I can’t really remember. – RH

2-Smithers and Mr. Burns

Maybe creepy isn’t the word. I mean, what’s creepy about a decrepit, dusty, male Caucasian who’s rich as fuck and completely evil employing a skinny, sensitive, masochistic semi-genius who programs a saggy pasty nude picture of his boss into his computer start-up process? Oh,wait; when I put it like that, I kinda see how that’s weird. And the creepiness is unexpected, because you would expect all things nasty come from Mr. Burns,but (in this one case) it is not the horrible old evil man who is creepy. Smithers, an otherwise healthy young man, takes the creepy cake for his desire to see and partake of a withered sack of skin loosely draped about a centennial-plus skeleton. Why? Why, Smithers? Seriously, fucking why?-KA

1-Batman and Robin