THE POP FILTER TOP TEN
TOP TEN MOST BRITISH PEOPLE
10. ROD STEWART
I wouldn’t say Rod Stewart is the most absurdly british person so much as he is the most absurdly badass person ever. I look for any excuse to write about how awesome he is and he just so happens to be British. If you need proof that he’s British, just know that he gave up a professional soccer career to be a rock star, and soccer is pretty British. If you need proof that he’s badass, go fuck yourself. Rod Stewart has written 13 of the 10 best songs ever and every time he sings an angel spontaneously combusts and falls to earth and that’s where rainbows come from. Go ahead and talk about his disco music, but remember that he only started writing shitty songs because he’d already written all the good ones, and Rod Stewart NEVER QUITS. And you can call him gay all you want, but he has eight different children with five different women, so if anything he’s too straight. He was also a newsy and a gravedigger as a child which are by far the two most British things a child can do. – DT
9. TIMOTHY SPALL
Look at this sad sack of figgy pudding and duck-custard-tea-mint-jelly. I’m not here to discuss his talent, which is obviously there. The guy is criminally under used. But look at him. LOOK AT HIM! Let’s start with that mini-Stonehenge he calls his teeth, which are gross even for a Brit. Luckily, the teeth are the only things that make people remember he’s British, as opposed to a walking, talking Pizza the Hut. The teeth distract from the…rest of him, let’s be honest, as there isn’t a single part of this guy’s look that doesn’t look like the Hulk, if Peter Dinklage was Bruce Banner. Please keep in mind: I’m not making fun of this guy because he is ugly, I’m making fun of how purely British his ugliness is. I’m just glad he was able to find acting work after he quit his job working in the bell towers of Notre Dame. I kid because I love, Timmy SpaSpa. Don’t hate. – RH
8. MADONNA
The reasons why Madonna is ridiculously British are possibly too obvious to state without insulting you, the hyper-intelligent, uber-edumacated, sexually-experienced readers of Pop Filter. Yes, she moved to London. Yes, she talks like Gwenyth Paltrow. Yes, she has renounced Catholicism. These things are obviously British. But did you also notice: Her love of techno dance music? Her silly hats? Her disturbing sexuality? Her advanced age? Her need to groom her eyebrows every 15 minutes so she doesn’t look like Oscar the Grouch? All very British. The only thing American about her anymore is how much she loves British accents. – KA
7. ELTON JOHN
Is Elton John absurdly British, or is he just absurd, and coincidentally British? Which word am I using as a euphemism for being gay: “absurd” or “British”? Either way, he embodies all of those attributes and more. His British cred, naturally high due to the fact that 3 of his 6 homes are in the UK, is bolstered by his famous self-rewrite of Candle in the Wind for the late Princess Diana and subsequent knighthood. He even co-owns a third rate soccer team, though I bet he calls it a football club. Obviously he also has a British accent, though it’s not an especially comical one. British? Yes. Absurd? Search “Elton John Costumes**” on Google Images. Nuff said. All of this is but a prelude to the one thing that makes Elton John one of the most epic men in the history of British men.
I am referring of course to his American style honky-tonk piano playing. It is really very good, though not particularly British. Regardless, it would be quite sad if I didn’t get through a blurb on Elton John without making the observation that via Sir Elton (and the transitive property), notorious homophobe Eminem has shared the stage with fellow fruity fabulous friend George Michael. – LF
6. JULIE ANDREWS
Julie Andrews always manages to look cheerful and slightly indignant at the same time. I don’t know if she actually walks around saying things like “spit spot†and “I beg your pardon†in real life but I like to imagine if a dirty word ever escaped her lips she’d faint gracefully from the shock. Andrews so embodies the delightful spirit of Victorian repression I find it near impossible to imagine her as a sexual being, boob —flashing in 1981’s “S.O.B. “notwithstanding. She will always be Mary Poppins, the original Supernanny. She is solely responsible for America’s belief that only a prim and proper British lady wearing a blazer and tie can wrangle our bratty children into submission. She’s everything I’d want in a nanny as a kid; friends with unsavory yet cheerful work gangs, makes the smallest task a musical moment, and oh yea she’s fucking magic like I know all Brits secretly are. She flies, takes the kids on field trips through paintings and doles out medicine that tastes like candy, you’re just not gonna get that level of commitment and whimsy from an American babysitter. It’s impossible for her to even attempt to pull off another nationality; Julie Andrews is so British that she is unable to mask her true essence and mother-tongue even when playing an Austrian nun or the queen of fictional Genovia. And let’s not forget this is the Dame whose husband was once quoted as saying she seemed to have “lilacs for pubic hair†– it could only be more British if he compared her lady business to fish and chips.-AS
5. JOHN CLEESE
“And now for something completely different.†I have no idea why this sentence is funny. Yet when John Cleese deadpans this classic line into the camera with pitch perfect British dryness it holds up just as amusing today as in 1969. The Brits invented the quiet sarcasm and Cleese is fluent in its subtleties. He masters the pompous authoritarian but is always just one stuttering fumbled line from the bumbling fool so charmingly befuddled Hugh Grant pales in comparison. While he plays a perfect straight man, it’s the absurd slapstick bits like the Ministry of Silly Walks that really shine. In “A Fish Called Wanda†when caught by a family of strangers prancing around with tighty whities on his head speaking Russian his righteous indignation whilst buck naked is ridiculous as he manages to keep a tight grip on that famed stiff upper lip. Most importantly Cleese keeps it real – Brit style. When delivering the eulogy for fellow Monty Python-er Graham Chapman he could have given a boring, heartfelt speech about friendship and the character of a man. Instead he sent him off in style with lines from the famed Dead Parrot sketch, stating Chapman was “no more,†that he had “ceased to be,†was “expired†and Cleese felt “good riddance to him that freeloading bastard.†Cleese knows nothing is too sacred to be funny, and more importantly he was the first person at a British memorial service to say fuck.-AS
4. ALAN RICKMAN
To be completely honest, I have no idea what makes this man so British, but I do know what makes Alan Rickman one of my favorite actors ever! The key is to be versatile, and I truly believe he can play any role possible. He is Metatron, the voice of god, in Dogma! A total wanting to cheat, but not really, asshole of a husband in Love Actually! Don’t even get me started on how perfect he is at portraying Snape through the entire series of Harry Potter!
By far the best role that he has ever had is in the voice of Marvin in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Never, in the history of time, has an object exposed such depression, gloominess, and despair. Alan Rickmans voice now monologues all of my super forlorn moments in life, which actually does the trick of making them not super sad because then I compare my problems to that of someone who knows infinitely everything and then it makes me happy. Also, run on sentences would have pissed him off, but he would have insulted me in such an eloquent way I probably wouldn’t have understood it as such. -MV
By far the best role that he has ever had is in the voice of Marvin in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Never, in the history of time, has an object exposed such depression, gloominess, and despair. Alan Rickmans voice now monologues all of my super forlorn moments in life, which actually does the trick of making them not super sad because then I compare my problems to that of someone who knows infinitely everything and then it makes me happy. Also, run on sentences would have pissed him off, but he would have insulted me in such an eloquent way I probably wouldn’t have understood it as such. -MV
3. RICKY GERVAIS
Let’s see. We have an Englishman who wasn’t all that popular in the states have his (intellectual) property taken by a bunch of ungrateful Yanks who turned it into one of the greatest (sitcom) superpowers in the world. Sounds pretty damn British to me. Aside from The Office and it’s made up similarity to our country’s independence, Ricky Gervais is one of the most ridiculously British people for one reason: he’s kind of a smarmy asshole. Not only that, he’s a loveable smarmy asshole. Take his hosting of this year’s Golden Globe Awards for example. He pretty much ripped into everybody knowing full well how he was coming across. He even laughed at the fact that he was pretty much given the spotlight to be a complete asshole to everybody and then refused to apologize when people were offended. And the public fucking loved him for it. Every now and then we need someone to come around to keep our pop culture icons in check, preferably someone with an accent so he sounds smarter than us. Ricky Gervais is that angelic accented asshole and if that’s not ridiculously British then I don’t know what is. – ASW
2. QUEEN ELIZABETH
If we define “British†as “unemotional, prim, and stiff-upper-lippy,†then we may as well also define it with simply a photo of Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Impressive figures in their own right like Winston Churchill were known to comment on her sensibility and attitude of responsibility, even as a small child. Just a glimpse at her wardrobe, consisting primarily of classic colored overcoats and coordinating hats and handbags, would give even the most casual observer this impression as well.
Currently a mere 85 years old, Her Majesty has sat on the throne for 59 years. This is the second-longest reign in the entirety of the British Monarch and Elizabeth has given the impression that she will only relinquish her seat when they pry it from her cold, dead, very old hands. During this reign, there have been two attempts on her life. She took each of these in stride with barely a flinch. The first was during a public appearance in which Elizabeth rode on horseback. Someone in the crowd fired six shots, later discovered to be blanks. Elizabeth remained completely calm, more concerned with maintaining control of her horse than she was the bullets whizzing past her head. The second incident was much less of an attempt on her life and more of a home invasion. The Queen awoke in the middle of the night to find a stranger in her bedroom. Again, she remained the picture of serenity, sitting with her intruder until the authorities could arrive and remove the individual from her sight. Neither of these incidents seemed to shake her confidence or resolve in the slightest.
Because she rarely grants interviews, Her Majesty has managed to maintain an unprecedented level of confidentiality regarding the things that make her human and mortal. After the tragic demise of Princess Diana, The Queen declined to leave her castle or make a public statement for 5 days. Ultimately, she stoically attended the funeral, ensuring that she met public expectations of her without definitively revealing any personal feelings one way or the other. Truly, the only information one can verify regarding the thoughts and feelings of this monarch is her affinity for her Welsh Corgis and her horses. And tea, presumably. Really, isn’t that what being British is all about? Concealing and suffocating all emotions while drinking tea and hunting on horseback with dogs? – KS
Currently a mere 85 years old, Her Majesty has sat on the throne for 59 years. This is the second-longest reign in the entirety of the British Monarch and Elizabeth has given the impression that she will only relinquish her seat when they pry it from her cold, dead, very old hands. During this reign, there have been two attempts on her life. She took each of these in stride with barely a flinch. The first was during a public appearance in which Elizabeth rode on horseback. Someone in the crowd fired six shots, later discovered to be blanks. Elizabeth remained completely calm, more concerned with maintaining control of her horse than she was the bullets whizzing past her head. The second incident was much less of an attempt on her life and more of a home invasion. The Queen awoke in the middle of the night to find a stranger in her bedroom. Again, she remained the picture of serenity, sitting with her intruder until the authorities could arrive and remove the individual from her sight. Neither of these incidents seemed to shake her confidence or resolve in the slightest.
Because she rarely grants interviews, Her Majesty has managed to maintain an unprecedented level of confidentiality regarding the things that make her human and mortal. After the tragic demise of Princess Diana, The Queen declined to leave her castle or make a public statement for 5 days. Ultimately, she stoically attended the funeral, ensuring that she met public expectations of her without definitively revealing any personal feelings one way or the other. Truly, the only information one can verify regarding the thoughts and feelings of this monarch is her affinity for her Welsh Corgis and her horses. And tea, presumably. Really, isn’t that what being British is all about? Concealing and suffocating all emotions while drinking tea and hunting on horseback with dogs? – KS
1. MICHAEL CAINE
I’d like you to do an experiment for me. Read something written in the Queen’s English. I’m willing to bet you just heard Sir Michael Caine’s voice in your head. This is because Caine isn’t just the most ridiculously British person on the planet. He is actually THE British person on the planet. Let’s go down the list shall we? Dude made THE British gangster movie of all time with Get Carter. He played a cool alternative to James Bond in the Harry Palmer series. He played Scrooge in A Muppet Christmas Carol. He was the only guy British enough to be Austin Powers’ dad in Goldmember. Last but not least he plays Alfred in the fucking Batman movies. Alfred, to me, is the single most important British pop culture character ever. The fact that Caine was dream casting for the role pretty much says it all. If that’s not enough, how about the fact that he was one of the first to popularize the Cockney accent in cinema? Yep, when Caine started out, he was one of the few that used his actual accent instead of the stuffy proper British accent that so many other actors at the time used. Nowadays you’d be hard pressed to find a British flick that doesn’t have Cockney accents in it. So every time you have to turn on a DVD’s subtitles just to figure out what some limey bastard is saying, I want you to say “Thank you Sir Michael.†– ASW