Cartoons That Are Better When You’re High

 

 

 He-Man: Masters of the Universe/She-Ra: Princess of Power

 

I hadn’t watched this in forever and was so focused on putting my mind at ease once and for all about whether or not He-Man and She-Ra were brother and sister or an item that I completely forgot the fact that those were their secret superhero identities. Meaning nobody realizes that He-Man is the same Prince Adam with that same stupid yet recognizable haircut just wearing less clothes. He doesn’t even wear a mask! How stupid are his parents and friends? “Oh how weird that Prince Adam disappears every time this guy who looks exactly like him shows up!” I know these are some of the most cherished memories for children of the 80’s but you’re much better off just playing with your vintage action figures than powering through an episode of  limited animation ending with a moral message. Oh and the official answer is that they’re twins…but I’m still not buying it.

The Ren and Stimpy Show

When Nicktoons aired this was by far the edgiest thing I’d ever seen, but I was so focused on the hyper detailed shots of armpits and teeth I totally didn’t get back then that I was watching a subversive commentary on the 1960’s and the American Dream barely censored enough for children’s consumption.  Re-watching Ren and Stimpy as an adult is a real eye opener and drugs only help, especially since the visual style of randomly replacing backgrounds with ink blots for a few seconds is done intentionally to mimic the breakdown of reality in the mind of someone with dementia. Watching stoned keeps your butt glued to the couch, unable to look away or do anything other than giggle maniacally along with the deranged characters as they slip slowly into madness. It’s an immersive experience that’s better than bad, it’s good!

The Last Unicorn

I loved this movie so much as a kid but it’s simply impossible to sit through in 2014 without a little herbal refreshment. Not only should you be like really really high for this early 80’s Anime, it might also help to watch it on mute. Then you can just focus on the stunning visuals without the bummer that is Mia Farrow’s high pitched whining set over a truly terrible synth soundtrack…or Jeff Bridge’s stilted talk-singing. The Last Unicorn is this weird combo of really tedious and plodding story broken up with scenes of absolute terror…Mommy Fortuna getting eaten by a three-tittied Harpy springs to mind. But once nicely toasted you’re more able to enjoy the insanity of this obscure relic of a time when kids movies were filled with over the top violence without asking those pesky plot questions. Like why was King Haggard killing all the Unicorns to begin with? And if Unicorns are so solitary Amalthea didn’t even notice she was the last in the world, why was she suddenly so panicked about finding others? And what would poor Schmendrick have had to do if that tree-turned-lady with the man crushing boobs stayed sentient and had her way with him? It would have led to one hell of a splinter that’s for sure.

Scooby-Doo

This one is a no-brainer really; everyone on the show is already blitzed so obviously the best way to watch is in a similar state. It just makes it that much funnier every time Fred and Daphne pair off to go check out haunted closets together for seven minutes or Shaggy’s extreme munchies lead to ridiculously sized sandwiches. The above parody about what happens when the gang picks up Johnny Bravo in their psychedelic van brilliantly pokes fun at almost every Scooby-Doo trope and encapsulates what it’s like to watch the series after hotboxing the Mystery Machine.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

If you can’t sing all the words to this Saturday morning classic I demand you hand in your 80’s kid card right now. The popularity of the insane show that had kids all hopped up on nunchuks and pizza  has led to over 20 years of entertainment from live action movies, concert tours, anime remakes and of course the monstrosity that Michael Bay plans to unleash on us later this year (the Turtles have LIPS…just no.) But let me warn you now that if you want to take a nostalgic trip back, doing so high is the only way to preserve your treasured childhood memories…it’s really really bad guys. Watching sober only highlights the terrible porno synth soundtrack, inflated gender and racial stereotypes and GIANT plot holes. Seriously how is that giant mutant turtles can walk around NYC in hats and trench coats and nobody seems to notice the exposed giant green feet? And what exactly do they mean when they yell “Its turtle time!”…when is it ever NOT turtle time??

Loony Tunes

Most of these shows NEED to be watched after dumbing down your brain just so you can still enjoy them like children. Looney Tunes on the other hand remains classic, quality entertainment stone cold sober even 60-80 years later. In this case getting high merely enhances the experience, specifically the musicals. There’s something about music that washes over the intoxicated brain until you can feel it flowing through you, and what better to connect with on a deep emotional level than child-like versions of the classic operas and symphonies. Tex Avery perfected the formula to feeding us important cultural touchstones through brilliantly timed gags and it will never stop being entertaining. Honestly would any of us even know Flight of the Valkyries or the Barber of Seville if it weren’t animated and filled with slapstick?  Unless you were a band geek then no. But thanks to Bugs Bunny we all have at least enough classical music knowledge to get us through snooty dinner parties.  Now everybody sing  “Kill the Wabbit! Kill the Wabbit!”

SpongeBob SquarePants

Actually a very clever show which is unsurprising since it was heavily influenced by Ren & Stimpy…except actually made for you know children. The best episode I’ve seen so far had Squidworth convince Spongebob to just be normal for once. So in classic Spongebob style he takes it way too far and becomes the most boring and monotonous person – er sponge he can which includes scraping himself clear of all bumps until he is terrifyingly smooth and speaks like a Stepford wife. It’s equal parts hilarious social commentary, moral lesson for the kids and plain disturbing which is a perfect recipe for animated entertainment. So why it is better viewed through a green haze? Because damn if his high pitched giggle isn’t the most obnoxious sound ever created, you really need to be in a state of feeling no pain to deal with it.

 Teletubbies

No it’s not really a cartoon but whatever it totally fits here because this shit is simply BRILLIANT when high. One or two tokes and suddenly everything these weird giant alien babies say sounds dirty and laden with undertones. But it’s much more sinister than subliminal homosexual messages the alarmist groups were worried about, besides when did a man wearing a tutu ever hurt anyone? The real evil lies in the obviously fascist organization controlling the poor Teletubbies every move. Periscopes pop out of the ground issuing orders and windmills release drugs into the air to keep them subdued and distracted by the hallucinations, probably all controlled by that creepy evil-looking Sun baby. There are layers there man. So next time you read about kids getting brainwashed by the gays or the Illuminati or whatever, just remember those “realizations” only come from watching a children’s show high as balls.

Animaniacs

The brilliance of Animaniacs lies in parody of parody- if you are well steeped in the cultural context of American children’s Television, Animaniacs is recognizable as Loony Tunes on crack. It takes the same model of commenting on pop culture and kicks up the gags to cater to the shorter attention span of 90’s kids.  So while you may not have known what Goodfeathers were mocking the first time you watched it, as an adult you have the shocking realization that Animaniacs basically taught you how to feel about everything from Mob movies and Joe Pesci to Diane Sawyer. Plus all the innuendos and dirty jokes that flew over your head the first time around are guaranteed to crack your shit up as an adult.  Its such nuanced, quality entertainment that really the only thing gained from watching while stoned is how much easier it is to ignore the weirdness of 3 little kids running around sexually harassing the studio “nurse”…even if she was probably a stripper.

Family Guy

This show used to be so smart and funny, that is until it became clear the most recent entry into adult animation was nothing more than just pop culture references strung together not actually saying anything. South Park may or may not be to blame for all of us collectively coming to this realization. But the show lives on dominating Sunday nights and making Seth MacFarlane so much money he can basically just ignore it in favor of his other 15 TV shows. The only explanation for its continued success is an audience of stoners too baked to notice or care. So if you must, smoke up and let the mediocrity wash over you. – AS