Top Ten Hollywood Tropes that would be

Super Weird if They Happened in Real Life

 Character A breaks into Character B’s House and Hides in the Closet or Shower

This gag is a sitcom staple and completely Universal human behavior. I mean who hasn’t broken into the home of a friend to either steal something or plant something or else wise completely trample the normal boundaries of those close to you, right? And if the recipient of said betrayal happens to come home unexpectedly what choice do you have but to hide in the closet or behind the shower curtain, or in some extremely close cases behind the couch? If you’re regular life involves that much sneaking or hiding you a have a 90% chance of hearing something gross like your parents having sex.

Baby Who Ages Rapidly Over One Summer

This would be absolutely terrifying if it happened for real. Over the course of a summer an infant grows into a 6-year-old, and nobody says a word? I applaud Jazz for having the guts to question what everyone else was afraid to.

Drive to Someone’s House to Have a 5 Minute Conversation

I’ve never understood why characters are always driving all the way over to someone’s house to apologize or thank them or have some sort of short conversation for 5 minutes then just leave. I have literally never done that. If I make the effort to put on pants and drive all the way to your house then we’re hanging out for at least a couple of hours. Otherwise there’s this crazy new invention called the phone, makes this kind of thing take the ten minutes it should.

Nobody Says Good-Bye When Hanging Up the Phone

I’ve read that when characters are talking on the phone onscreen they don’t say “goodbye” to save time for more important plot points and character development. Show runners believe it’s such a normal action the audience should just understand that the sendoff is assumed. Like Hell it is, I assume nothing! The only impression I get when someone simply hangs up is that guy is a total asshole who can’t be bothered with simple human niceties Also I always wonder about the person at the other end left staring at their phone like, “hello, hello? you still there? Because it’d be really weird if you just hung up without saying anything….”

Steal a Bike/Car to Chase Someone

Question — when Jack Bauer pulls a gun on a random motorist and commandeers their vehicle for anti-terrorism purposes, does the CIA tow the bullet-ridden vehicle back to the citizen or are they just left wondering where the hell the car is? And does standard insurance cover that sort of thing? Just doesn’t seem fair for my premiums to go up because the cops or whomever needed to legally steal my car. It’s like when Josh Brolin steals a little girl’s bike in The Goonies, sure it’s for an ultimately good reason and he’s one of the heroes so of course the audience forgives him…but she probably had nightmares about crazed men in sweatbands chasing her for the rest of her childhood. That’s on you Brolin.

Pretending to be a Different Person

While it’s oh so tempting to play Regina Philange or Art Vandelay, who among us has ever found themselves straight up playacting about your job, or personal backstory? I’m not talking about Catfishing, every single person on the planet HAS and will continue to take advantage of web anonymity to either troll comment sections or see strangers naked. But while it’s fun to fantasize about convincing people that you invented post-its, or that you own a Porsche, only onscreen do those fake personas get trotted out into awkward real life scenarios…because that’s just something crazy people do. Same goes for two people pretending to be in a relationship because of reasons. Sure sometimes it’s embarrassing to show up to yet another wedding without a date, but won’t it be ten times more embarrassing when one of the bridesmaids turns out to be your fake boyfriend’s actual crazy ex-girlfriend or current stalker or whatever outrageous karma you invited into your life by lying to begin with.

Creepy Neighbor Always Watching You or Showing Up At the Door

Isn’t it so weird that the people with the biggest secrets involving say magical powers or secret identities always end up living right next door to the nosiest fuckers? I mean maybe Kravitz or Furley wouldn’t be so suspicious if they didn’t live next door to people trying to hide some serious shit – it’s hard not to snoop when you think you might catch someone using witchcraft or engaging in scandalous sexual behavior. But even the friendly neighbors have a habit of turning outlandish in TV Land à la Steve Urkel or Kimmy Gibbler – always in your space and always really annoying about it. As a kid I used to feel bad for the obviously lonely neighbors who just want to hang out with the main characters, but as an adult who spends every day dealing with millions of people who want my money, time and attention, I just want to sit on my couch and drink a beer in quiet. Oh God it’s finally happened — I’ve become Al Bundy.

Boss Coming To Dinner

Based on classic sitcoms I truly believe any Mad Men-era interview process included a formal dinner party wherein everything has to be PERFECT or you’re out of a job. Can you imagine if that actually ever happened? Just the thought of my boss in my home looking through all my DVDs and family photos kind of makes me nauseous. And why does it matter of your wife can cook a perfect roast or make a mean martini when the job in question is advertising or sales?

Two Couples Break Up and Swap Partners

Rom-Coms and sitcoms alike thrive on relationship drama and obstacles, and nothing incites more drama than a love triangle…unless it’s a love square! That’s a situation completely fabricated by Hollywood wherein two couples meet, cheat and swap partners, so everybody is happy and nobody is the villain! Um no, there is zero percent chance that doesn’t implode in on itself the first time they start spilling each other’s secrets.

Character Continually Sexually Harasses Uninterested Friends/Acquaintances

Fez is a clueless romantic with crazy teenage hormones, Barney and Quagmire are loveable players self-tasked with screwing everything in a skirt, but Howard and Amy are both so straight up creepy in their regular sexual harassment of poor Penny it’s a wonder neither has a restraining order yet.  I need feminism because television and movies have convinced generations of lonely adolescents that you can make your crush love you back if you just ask over and over and simply refuse take no for an answer. Doesn’t matter that you’re bordering on inappropriate stalker and ignoring someone’s feelings at this stage in the game is a major red flag for future issues, just continue insinuating yourself in her life and keep the eyebrows a-waggling . – AS