Movie Urban Legends

Goldfinger

It was just like any other night for James Bond, he makes an entrance in a swanky casino, foils the cheating scheme of an International criminal, and takes the guy’s secretary to bed as his reward.  But next thing you know Oddjob knocks him out cold and when he comes to pretty Jill Masterson  has been suffocated to death by being covered in gold paint…actually that’s not really too far out of the ordinary for Bond either. But it is out of the ordinary for say, reality. That’s not how breathing works, it’s just science. Yet ever since 1964 people have sworn up and down that that wasn’t just your run of the mill disposable Bond Girl death, but the actual dead body of actress Shirley Eaton who shared her character’s gruesomely gilded demise. I literally just read YouTube comments stubbornly insisting she died for real making the movie written this year. The fact that Eaton only acted for a handful of years after Goldfinger then disappeared from the public eye couldn’t have helped, I give 60’s audiences a pass for that one but not Millenials with the entire freaking internet at their fingertips.  The easily-verifiable truth is she’s very much alive to this day; it’s just not nearly as exciting a story to have an actress quit Hollywood for her family as it is for one to be dipped in gold preserved as a Bond Girl for all eternity.

The Poltergeist Trilogy

Poltergeist is the classic tale about a bunch of ghosts so pissed off at the construction on top of their graves they take to killing the family living inside. So you would imagine the people spending months working in a movie telling that story would know better than to use real human skeletons as props. You would be wrong. And thus is the beginning of the fatal Poltergeist curse that claimed four lives of the course of three movies. Veteran actors Will Samson and Julian Beck portrayed the good and evil spirits respectively in the second film, and both died shortly after its theatrical release. Dominique Dunn was strangled to death by her boyfriend shortly after her first turn as older daughter and panty flasher Dana Freely. And poor little Heather O’Rourke who played adorably creepy Carol Anne in all three films was only 12 when she died suddenly of septic shock shortly before the wrap of the third. Looks like the spirits finally got that delicious life force of hers.

The Crow

It’s true Brandon Lee tragically died while filming The Crow, thus cementing himself forever as the Goth River Phoenix. While shooting a scene a prop gun misfired and Lee took a dummy round to the chest with the same force of a real bullet. But contrary to mythology the actual death footage isn’t part if the movie, it’s fairly obvious they finished the last few scenes with Lee’s stunt double using as much obscured view as possible. Less easy to explain away is the rumor that Lee was killed by the same Chinese Mafia who were responsible for his father Bruce Lee’s suspicious death, as retribution for exposing martial arts secrets…which incidentally sounds like a way better movie.

Three Men and a Baby

You’re just minding your own business, watching the hijinks three, wacky bachelors struggle to take care of an infant when HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT CREEPY THING?!?!?! Why in the middle of a light-hearted 80’s romp is there a terrifyingly evil looking little boy staring at me through the camera like he wants to eat my soul? Oh because a nine-year old boy killed himself with a shotgun in the house the movie was filmed in of course ,everyone on the internet knows that. Except he didn’t. The movie was actually filmed on a sound stage not a real house. What looks like Damien himself is actually a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson that was used in scenes cut from the final version of the film. So we can all go back to regular viewings of this beloved classic now…or you know, just let it slip back into obscurity.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

In arguably the most famous scene of the Indiana Jones franchise our hero is backed against the wall by a skilled sword fighter. As the bad guy tries to intimidate with intricate moves and war cries, Indy looks at him tiredly and shoots him dead because ‘aint nobody got time for that. Turns out the brilliance of that gag was all because Harrison Ford had diarrhea. True story. Some bad Tunsian food or something gave him dysentery while on location, yet he was still expected to film a three page action scene where he heroically snatches the sword with his sweet whip skills. Ford suggested he just shoot the sucker and call it a day. {Insert Han shot first joke here}

The Lion King/ The Rescuers/The Little Mermaid

You know you’re a 90’s kid if you spent hours trying to get these happy shiny classics paused just right on the VCR to giggle over dirty Disney. Everyone knows when Simba does the life-is-so-hard emo flop, dust particles rise into the air to spell SEX…and if you didn’t know there’s always that friend who just has to prove it to you. And while the official explanation is rumored to actually be planted by special effects team as a signature spelling S-F-X, I couldn’t find a single reputable Disney source stating as such, just a bunch of internet speculation. Similar story with the apparently penis-obsessed The Little Mermaid. Rumor had it a disgruntled animator inserted a rather phallic spire to the underwater castle but tons of poorly cited blogs claim the guy came forward to say it was a coincidental product of an all-nighter rather than a fuck you on his way out the door. But there’s no explaining away the flash of very non-animated boobies in The Rescuers that would’ve shocked Miss Bianca and Bernard had they turned around at the right moment. It’s such a blatant gaffe Disney blew the whistle on itself, three days after the 1999 home movie re-release millions of copies were recalled. Which of course only drives up the sales on e-bay for that  vintage original pre-recall VHS copy you’ve been holding onto all these years.

 The Wizard of Oz

Because it’s been beloved and tolerated for just.so.long it’s really no surprise the number of rumors and legends about the classic top almost any other film. Some are completely true, for example the shabby coat worn by Professor Marvel when he meets Dorothy was bought from a thrift store for its second-hand appearance but upon closer inspection truthfully was very coincidentally owned by the book’s author Frank L. Baum. And Buddy Ebson was indeed initially cast as the Tin Man but had to quit when he contracted a deadly lung infection from the silver aluminum mixed into the original body paint.  But did a depressed munchkin really commit suicide by hanging right there onscreen as the gang skips merrily past? Not a chance. Digitally re-mastered footage very clearly shows that the vague shape seemingly swinging is actually a large emu, one of the film’s many animal cast members. And generations of stoners were heartbroken when Pink Floyd stated they did not purposefully sync up Dark Side of the Moon with the film. Or maybe they just didn’t want to be known as friends of Dorothy…

Ben-Hur

This one’s so old it may actually be the original urban legend of the silver screen. Lush and overblown classic of the MGM golden era, Ben-Hur was the most expensive film of its time and the most dangerous. They racked up an unknown number of human and animal deaths filming the climactic chariot race, all in the name of authenticity in Le Cinema. The most spectacular death of all was the stunt double for big bad Messala who is said to have been a little too committed to the craft and actually died while filming the spectacular antagonist-killing crash. A juicy little rumor hints the fatal shot was purposefully left in by the director against the wishes of the grieving widow. But is it true? It’s a bit murky because there’s more than one Ben Hur, specifically four theatrical releases as of 2003. So while Chuck Heston’s autobiography swears up and down nobody was seriously injured on his watch that doesn’t preclude earlier versions. The 1929 film had an actual death toll so alarming they completely replaced all race footage originally shot in Italy for a tamer reshoot in California, because it’s impossible to race half-assedly in Italy I guess.

The Omen

Lightning only strikes once…unless of course you’re involved in an unlucky movie about Satan and possibly cursed by him. Three times in fact while shooting, three different planes carrying actors and producers of the film were struck by lightning. And once a Gregory Peck came thisclose to getting on a plane that ended up crashing and killing everyone on board. Director Richard Donner had the misfortune of not only getting hit by a car during production but being in a hotel bombed by the IRA. Basically Satan got pissed these guys were making light of his presence and tortured everyone involved. In the most obviously prophetic scenario, special effects artist John Richardson, who had created the scene where the photographer gets beheaded, was in a tragic car accident with his girlfriend – she was beheaded. **whispers scarily** Legend has it as Richardson crawled away from the crash he saw a road sign for the town of Ommen, 66.6km. **ooowoooooo**

The Shining

Kubrick is a filmmaker who knows how to get attention, whatever you opinions on his movies you have to give him that. His legendary attention to detail and habit of leaving damn near everything up to interpretation are the perfect conditions for the very craziest of myths and theories surrounding his work.  The most bonkers of all claims The Shining is one big allegorical confession from the filmmaker about his involvement in faking the 1966 Moon landing. Seriously there are people who believe this. There are entire books and documentaries hysterically pointing to hundreds of “signs” all throughout the movie. Obviously Kubrick denies the whole thing which only fuels the conspiracy because there’s nothing nut jobs love more than a cover-up! I’d list the evidence but if you honestly believe the Moon landing was fabricated for TV you deserve to have Buzz Aldrin ambush you at work and punch you in the face. – AS