WAKE N BAKE

In which Erin informs you of the best movies to blaze to

Alright, I’ve been hitting the deep stuff pretty hard since I started this column, so I think it’s time we lighten things up a bit.  This one’s a comedy.

There’s a pretty big difference between “Oh man, we should watch this stoned!” and “Oh… eh, we could probably watch it stoned.”  MacGruber, unfortunately, falls into the latter camp.  This movie is the most recent to join the sad pantheon of SNL skits spun into 89 effortful minutes.  The fact that I was not privy to its SNL origins prior to viewing the film shows how long it’s been since I’ve watched the NBC staple.  (But come on, can you blame me?  That shit started going downhill with “Lothar of the Hill People.”)  But even without this knowledge, I suspected something was up, what with all the easy jokes being stretched as thin as shrink wrap.  The film does about as well as you’d expect, given the track record of other SNL flicks– good comic actors on the one hand, but on the other, skit-level jokes lacking the flexibility required to face down the feature-length format.

MacGruber is a parody of 80s action stars in general, and MacGyver in particular.  (I would like to just quickly let the reader know that Microsoft Word did NOT underline “MacGyver” in red.)  Will Forte plays the title character, a special agent/bad-ass action dude from the 80s who has since faked his death so he can meditate barefoot in Ecuador.  Colonel Faith, MacGruber’s boss of yesteryear, seeks him out in 2010 for help on a new case–the villain Dieter von Cunth (a pleasantly doughy Val Kilmer) now has possession of a nuclear warhead, which can’t be good.  MacGruber would probably have just told Col. Faith, “Not my problem, go fuck yourself,” if Cunth hadn’t been the one to shoot his wife dead on their wedding day.  Now he’s got an axe to grind.  But first, he has to return to his former persona.  This includes shoulder-length hair with bangs, a stupid vest, and carrying around his car stereo–a Blaupunkt, to be exact, as he angrily informs the goon who smashes it.

So now he’s ready to rock.  Except he needs a team.  Of course.  That team ends up being a young, competent lieutenant named Piper (Ryan Phillipe), and Vicki (Kristen Wiig), also an ex-agent and best friend to his dead wife.  (Maya Rudolph plays MacGruber’s bride during the wedding scene, with Kristen Wiig sitting in the first row, which kind of threw my stoned ass for a loop as I found myself wondering, “Um, I don’t remember Bridesmaids having so many guns…”)

We quickly find out that not only is MacGruber an enormous gaping asshole, he’s also stupendously terrible at his job.  It’s not even that he’s a blundering dope–he actually appears to be purposely sabotaging the entire mission, like when he drives his team in a conspicuous red convertible to Vegas for recon, only to interrupt a DJ’s set at a nightclub, get everyone’s attention, and blow his cover before he’s even established it.  To correct this (and to demonstrate his flagrant disregard for others’ safety), he sends his team member disguised as him to the mission’s location.  Not the team member who’s a man, though.  Vicki goes in disguised as MacGruber.  Because.

The first act is pretty awesome.  Will Forte executes a hilarious begging sequence for Lt. Piper’s benefit, and Kristen Wiig (disguised as MacGruber) gives us a coffee shop scene that just kills.  Some of the actual consequences that might result from the fast-and-loose attitude of cavalier 80s heroes is bursting with comic potential.  Like MacGruber truly realizing how important it is to respect your team, only to use one of them as a human shield thirty seconds later.

The trouble with the film is, it doesn’t ever get any better than this.  (Okay, there’s a pretty funny sex scene set to “Broken Wings” by Mr. Mister, in which MacGruber sounds like a hippo succumbing to a tranquilizer dart.)  Most of the other jokes sound like a demented 7-year-old wrote them.  Especially MacGruber’s idea of “creating a distraction,” which involves a celery stalk and removal of pants.  Others often rely on frank explanations of insulting euphemisms.  “Stick it where the sun don’t shine!”  “Oh yeah?!  And where is that?”  “Um…  up your–up your butthole?”  Yeah.  Not the snappiest jokes out there.

Despite my general disappointment with the film on its own merits, I still think it serves a purpose (as do other similar films.)  Sure, the jokes are ridiculous and lowbrow.  But they’re also easy to follow and short-lived, which is nice if you’ve smoked a little too much and don’t feel like getting frustrated.  (MacGruber is not a stoner movie, but it really seems like it was made with herb enthusiasts in mind.)  I mean, think of it this way:  when you’ve had a shitty day at work, would you rather light up with a cerebral comedy that involves keeping track of whose brain the characters are currently occupying?  Or would you rather relax with a dumb movie about an asshole fucking up his job while doing questionable things with a stalk of celery?  The latter’s not going to enrich you, but it will definitely make you feel better.  And that, my friends, is what blazing is all about.