WAKE N BAKE

in which Erin informs you of the best movies to blaze to

I was stoked when I found out that Halloween would come on a Thursday this year, since that’s the day my column goes up.  Then I got sad when I remembered that my column is biweekly and that Halloween fell in between postings.  So then I was like, “Fuck it, it’ll just have to come early this year.”

This bizarre kids’ movie, based off a book, is the perfect thing to have playing in the background during your Halloween party.  And in the event that your guests actually start to pay attention to it, it’s hilariously dumb.  Anyone you’re gracious enough to smoke out will get a huge kick out of it.  (It’s also the perfect thing to have playing if nobody shows up to your Halloween party; its stupid sincerity will cheer you right up.  Maybe.)

The Worst Witch gives us a week in the life of Mildred (Fairuza Balk), a young boarding student at Miss Cackle’s Witch Academy. The girls take classes in chanting, potions, and broomstick riding during the day, and sleep in pink bedding printed with pentagrams during the night.  (And this is 1988, so suck it, Harry Potter.)

Mildred’s not having such a great time of it, though.  Despite her best efforts, she’s kind of a lunkhead, mixing up her potions and failing her classes.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, everyone around her feels the need to be complete dicks about it by calling her out on it publicly–her classmates, the mean girl, even the adults, for chrissake.  Mildred keeps telling her mentors how hard she’s trying, and they just keep saying things like, “You’ll just have to apply yourself,” and “You must be the worst witch at the Academy.”  I know, Teach for America, right?

Don’t worry Fairuza, you’ll get to be in another witch movie when you grow up!

But the school’s about to have problems that are worse than a perennially humiliated tween who lacks guidance and doesn’t express anger.  As they prepare for the upcoming Halloween festivities, Miss Cackle’s evil twin Agatha (both sisters played by Charlotte Rae) is hatching some vague plans to… take back control of the Academy and turn them all into toads. What that would accomplish, I couldn’t say.  You’d have to start from scratch in terms of enrollment, not to mention staffing.  And then you’d have all the toads to deal with.  All I know is that their plans start by paying homage to Witchy Poo from H.R. Puffenstuff with a musical number where they grimace and dance around a bonfire like idiots.  They have crazy colors in their hair and, while the Academy witches wear black and orange uniforms or other smart attire, these weirdos wear witch costumes that look like they actually came from the Halloween store.  Agatha and her right-hand woman are an awful lot like Pinky and the Brain, if Pinky and the Brain were your alcoholic aunts.

Then there’s a really cute scene back at the school where the headmistress distributes a kitten to each student and they teach them to ride along on their broomsticks.  Or at least it was really cute until I noticed that their meowing was the sound guys saying “meow.”  What, they couldn’t find any recordings of generic cat sound effects?  I guess they kinda blew their budget on Tim Curry.

OH MY GOD, you guys, it’s Tim Curry’s entrance.  Everyone shut the fuck up and watch this part.  Curry plays the Grand Wizard who’s been booked as a guest at the school’s Halloween celebration.  He’s a big deal at Miss Cackle’s.  The girls are all passing around what appears to be one of Curry’s rejected headshots, mooning over it, smooching it, fighting over it.  I’d never figured Curry for a pre-teen heartthrob, but I guess witch culture is just different.  So anyway, when he finally shows up, he performs a number that in that befuddling way that only Curry can do.  It also shows off the staggering special effects of the day.  It will probably become a Halloween tradition in your household.

So Halloween is off to a good start.  But then the synchronized-broomstick-riding event falls apart and embarrasses the school in front of the Grand Wizard, who expresses his dismay.  (Gee, sorry that these kids performing for you weren’t the Radio Fuckin’ City Rockettes, asshole.)  And, of course, everyone thinks it’s Mildred’s fault.

So Mildred goes out for a broomstick ride to clear her head, (or maybe to kill herself, they don’t make it clear), and she stumbles upon the dime store witches, who are finally off their drunk asses and getting some spells together.  Mildred overhears their scheming and decides that she has to help her school.

Now.  At this point?  I would say fuck that shithole academy where my asshole parents dumped me, and fuck the faculty and administration for sucking so hard at their jobs.  Hope you jerks like eating flies.  But Mildred, incapable of self-advocacy, summons any iota of skill she might possess to ensure that her school has a happy ending.  Then her teacher spouts some bullshit like, “I’ve been harsh on you, but it was only because I believed you had potential all along.” Oh!  Of course!  That’s a much better idea than just telling her that she had potential while helping her out on her incantations or whatever.  Nope, shaming and scapegoating her was definitely the only way to make a late bloomer blossom, and she definitely won’t show up five years later to blow away your classroom.  (There’s probably a spell for that, anyway, right?)

No but really, it’s a good lighthearted time, and everything ends up happy.  And smokers will appreciate the humor in the dated special effects, Balk’s over-articulated earnestness, and Tim Curry’s…  well, being Tim Curry is enough.  Let’s be honest.

Happy Halloween.