KIRSTIE

** (out of ****)

I’ve said it before, but this is the hardest part of the job. Kirstie is among the truly unreviewable, not for anything good that it’s done, or bad, or challenging, or unchallenging. If some films are steaks at a four-star restaurant, and some films are McDonald’s double cheeseburgers, this is Kraft Mac and Cheese, if you’ve had Mac and Cheese every day of your life, and are OK if you never have it again. Put a box of Kraft in the hands of 100 different people, and you’ll get virtually the same food. Now imagine having to write 500 words on each one of those bowls of Mac and Cheese.

The selling point of Kirstie, TV Land’s latest attempt to feed the hand that feeds them, is that it stars three sitcom hall-of-famers: Kirstie Alley, Rhea Perlman, and Michael Richards, along with Eric Peterson, who is essentially Gene Belcher all grown up. This isn’t a way to guarantee laughs, like the Yankees guaranteeing wins in an off-season spending spree. This is way to not have to worry. The immediate notoriety that this gives the show is nice, but you’re not hiring these veterans for what they bring to the table. Instead, you’re hiring them because you know the bare minimum that they might – and certainly do – give will be fine. They’ve proven that they are capable, so now TV Land can figure out how much they need money, or another walk through the spotlight. It’s a pretty fool-proof plan, assuming that no critics watch it.

But eventually some will, and I did, and whatever. They followed the directions on the Mac and Cheese box. Do they want to be commended for that? Fine. They introduce nothing even remotely new to the genre or the medium or the world. Should they be condemned for that? Fine. This isn’t to say that any crappy sitcom from TV Land or anything like TV Land is just going to get this automatic pass. This is crap done right, which is still crap, as opposed to other shows we’ve reviewed, like Malibu Country or the pilot for Last Man Standing, which is crap done wrong. You’re not going to watch this, but if you have TV Land in a Fantasy-Quality-of-Network League, it’s not the worst pick.

-Ryan Haley