FLICKCHART’S GREATEST BATTLES!

In which we pit two movies together using flickchart.com, debating their merits or lack thereof.

Toy Story

vs.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

FIGHT!
My first instinct was Toy Story. But, I saw that once, liked it, and never considered watching it again. Terminator 2: Judgment Day is the only Terminator film I rewatched. I watched it approximately 6 times between the ages 13-15, and I consider the first and last viewings to be the edges of my puberty. The film is why I voted for Schwarzenegger for Governor (I didn’t. Calm down), and it’s why I like pretty boys with dark hair and light eyes. Also, I think Sarah Connor in this particular film is the inspiration for Madonna’s arms IRL. And whom both Madonna and Britney were picturing when they gave lesbians a bad name.
In contrast, the only thing Toy Story inspired was my constantly mocking my mom in public for crying when the toys were reunited with the little boy (spoiler alert intentionally left out, pussies), and I’m not even that proud of doing that. So I chose T2. Also, the poster is awesomer.-KH

Tarzan

vs.

Passion of the Christ

FIGHT!

Possibly one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever had to make. It’s comparing apples to slightly different apples- these movies are so similar it’s scary. You know the story of both, even if you haven’t read or seen the many adaptations. You could say our society is based on these two allegories alone. Both Tarzan and Jesus are betrayed by people that don’t want them, but both still want to help those who shunned them. Both wear very little clothes. Both have dirty ass hair. And probably dirty ass-hair. Tarzan was made by Disney, who’s founder was a terrible racist. Passion of the Christ was made by Mel Gibson, who as far as I know is a stand up guy with nothing besmirching his public image. The thing is Tarzan had a soundtrack by Phil Collins, and all I remember from Passion of the Christ is torture porn, so Tarzan wins it by a long shot. -MG

Jurassic Park

vs.

Almost Famous

FIGHT!
I just want a fucking hybrid of these two movies.
Let’s set a scene:  a teenage boy get’s called up by Dr. John Hammond to visit Isla Nublar and write an article for his new park. He also calls the up and coming band Stillwater to play for the science and insurance nerds he has to impress.  Slutty girls in hipster clothing endure heat, humidity, and a flock of Galliimimus to sneak in and sleep with the band! Frances Mcdormant calls incessantly on any and every phone in the park. While Samuel Jackson manages to croon dinosaurs and women alike with his uncanny ability to hone the computer systems and play the guitar exactly like Jimmy Hendrix.
The Pinnacle and most epic scene in the movie would occur when the entire cast decides to go on a plane ride across the park to get to the venue and SURPRISE! A huge rainstorm pummels their plane into the throws of aeronautical uncertainty. Sluts, Band members, Scientists, and Kids all sing Tiny Dancer, but it doesn’t help. The plane goes down in a fireball. Good news, we kill the kids and Dr. Hammond. Bad news, the bucket of acid the girls brought with them just fell into a vat of water the velociraptors were drinking out of. In the time it took everyone to get out of the plane and deal with the shock of dead people, the raptors had them surrounded, hungry as fuck, but definitely tripping balls. They tried using their sensory to their advantage, but ended up chasing water drops falling from the air, which left them completely stuck in exactly one place, because it was raining, and there is a lot of noise going on. The people were able to sneak out, but the T-Rex found them and thought ‘FUCK YA, LIVE DINOSAUR FOOD’ and promptly ate them, because he was sick of goat.
Everyone was safe tucked into the kitchen eating all that really cool island food with the doors locked, safe until the rescue team could find them. That is until the T-Rex came by four hours later crashing through the roof, killing everyone inside, because the tactile on the building looked really comfortable to lay on.
I mainly used Jurassic Park in this, it is obviously better.-MV