THE POP FILTER TOP TEN

THE TOP TEN FICTIONAL BANDS

 

10. THE SHITTY BEATLES

You know what? Fuck all that noise. It is just a clever name. -RH

9. WYLD STALLYNS

The whole idea behind Wyld Stallyns is that anyone can rock.  You don’t even talent, you just gotta believe in yourself.  It’s about having fun, peeling off licks and saving the world if you have time.  But you don’t, ‘cuz your ass deep in groupies.  That spirit has died in Rock.  The Led Zeppelin of our generation is Nickelback.  Think about that.  When people look at the biggest rock band of the 00’s, they’re going to think Nickelback.  Personally, I blame Keanu Reeves.  He stopped doing something he was great at (being goofy) to become something less meaningful that he’s also worse at.  Sure it meant he got to be in the Matrix, but that movie’s overrated anyways.  There, I said it. -DT

8. DETHKLOK

Dethklok pretty much already beats every band on here because they’re popularity has turned them into a real band that releases CDs and tours and shit.  Unfortunately Dethklok is also the most generic sounding death metal band on the stands today.  That shit doesn’t really matter though when their entire purpose is to poke fun at the cult of extreme metal and with that in mind, Dethklok fucking rules.  Their songs are all stupid as hell but they’ve captivated metalhead and non metalhead alike.  Every birthday I’ve had in the last 4 years has had somebody send me a youtube clip of Birthday Dethday, and every time one of my asshole friends wakes me up they go with “Awaken Mustakrakish.”   What I’m saying is that like it or not, Dethklok has invaded our pop culture sensibilities enough that just about everybody makes references to them.  Shit they even had a song on one of the Saw soundtracks, which is the only instance I can think of where a fake band got a song on another property.  Anyway Dethklok is pretty fucking awesome and if you disagree you will probably be forcibly taken to the Dethklok Home for Wayward Kitties and mauled to death. -ASW

7. JESSE AND THE RIPPERS

Jesse and the Rippers was a band from the TV show, Full House. Dreamy uncle Jesse was played by shirted John Stamos . I say shirted, because when I think of John Stamos I think of his weird, weird, practically bejeweled like belly button. And then I think about it rubbing on Rebecca Romijn’s bellybutton for a decade, and then I get both disgusted and feel like a pervert and I stop thinking about John Stamos. Personally, I’ve never got into Full House for three very good reasons. 1) Too many mullets 2) It’s Family Circus type of non-humor humor is annoying 3) Once you watch Bob Saget’s standup, a piece of your soul dies and there is no going back. The mind reels, but from what I can gather,  Uncle Jesse is, what I believe is technically called,  a 90’s “stud muffin.” So much so that wherever his dreams of being a musician go,  his impeccable acoustics follow, almost as tightly as his white washed jeans. There are four very important components that go into making Jesse and the Rippers 1)The song should be a “feel good” and family appropriate cover 2)  SOMEONE in the band needs a mullet. (A wiggles-esk turtleneck is also optional) 3) A faceless tight-dressed hoochie must be dancing within 3 feet of wherever this music is being played. 4)  Jesse must sing while placing his body in land claiming stance, which means his foot needs to be propped on some elevated surface. (It’s important to the vocals, its a technical music thing, you wouldn’t understand). Without these fine components Jesse and the Rippers wouldn’t have been able to make their hit cover song,“Forever”. “Forever” is nothing short of a dream. In fact,the  video opens up, exactly like how every teenaged girls “90’s fun dream” should, with John Stamos on cloud like bedding, in the sunlight. He leans forward, with the skin of a Golden Teddy Gram and eyes of a mischievous panther that beckon you,  “Fall into my eyes,I’ll cradle your feminine soul.” And if that was not enough to makeyour ovaries quiver, they threw in a couple of sets of babies for himt o hold for good measure. I felt pregnant just watching it. With all this enticement it is only fitting that Jesse and his Rippers were able to make a rock as soft as his flowing locks. Rock on, you gentle men, rock on, but quietly, the Olsen Twins are sleeping next door. Okay by sleeping I meant, they are in a drug coma. – TJ

6. JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS

Josie and the Pussycats harkens back to a simpler time, when all you needed to rock were three babes with some drums, a three-stringed guitar and a set of bitchin’ tambourines.  Go ahead and make fun of that chick, by the way, because the joke’s on you.  How many songs have you listened to where you can actually hear the bass guitar?  And yet you always know when a song has tambourines.  Aside from their sweet ass line up.  The pussycats have something no one else on this list can top: space.  I don’t know at what point we forgot that literally everything is better in space, but it’s a damned shame.  There is a time honored tradition of creating characters and when they get popular, jettisoning them into space with an animal sidekick.  We’ve dishonored that tradition, but the Pussycats will live on, doing whatever space bands do.  It probably involves scissoring. -DT

5. TIMMY AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD

Timmy is the classic lead singer. He has the vocal range of a churchmouse, the ego of the most mega of lomaniacs and he looks like Mick Jagger. His band eventually ends up resenting him for only singing about himself and Timmy learns a valuable lesson in humility and sharing the spotlight with his fellow bandmates. The episode ends up being like everything else on South Park: assinine on the surface and yet deeper than anything on the Lifetime and Oxygen networks combined.

-JN

4. THE ONEDERS

Oh the Wonders! They had the most catchy tune to ever grace the theaters with “That Thing You Do!”  But the main question still remains… What IS that thing you do… You know,  that breaks your heart into a million pieces…. Specifically if it’s something that is always done? I can only assume one of the following: farting on your pillow bare assed, sleeping with your brothers… And your dad, and snoring all night in your ear. Those are pretty serious things that can be repeatedly done that you miss right?  It’s done because your a pushover… If the girl is running around with someone new- don’t write a stupid song about it! Such an ambiguous song too! But fuck, it’s ok Wonders, i forgive you… Thank you for being such a wonderful parody to boy bands! also, for Tom Evertt Scott … What a hottie!-MV

3. DR. FUNKE’S 100% NATURAL GOOD-TIME HAPPY FAMILY BAND SOLUTION

There’s no point in having a favorite band. I assure you that someday, even if it’s not soon, they will sell-out, and they will break your heart. They will become so far removed from the band that you fell in love with that you won’t even recognize them. But what if there was another way? What if your favorite band solf out from the first second they came into existence? What if three musical giants took your favorite genre of music (folk) and your favorite type of product (drugs) and combined them to make the (third) greatest fictional band of all time? You’re god damn right you would kick up your fucking heels. That’s what happy people do. Perfect harmonies. Wood blocks. Multiple generations. One of those box-looking-stringy-instruments that Lindsay is holding. This band had it all. And the whole time, you got to learn about products that would make you live a longer, healthier, life, at least according to the band’s underwriter, the Natural Food Life Company. Which was a division of Chem-Grow.

– RH

2. THE BEETS

Any child of the 90s (who has never been a vegan) hears the word tofu and can’t help but sing under their breath “Ah eh oooooh, killer tofu.” And this is because The Beets are one of the greatest fictional bands of all time! With hits like Killer Tofu, I Need More Allowance, and Shout Your Lungs Out   (my personal favorite), how could you not love The Beets. I mean The Beets are so cool they will even eat at Honker Burger and give out free jackets to their fans as they drive away. The Beets will preform at middle schools upon requests of the students, and even let middle school kids roadie for them. The Beets have set their mark in the youth filled world of Doug and the minds of all real life children of the 90s. You can’t help but give it up for The Beets. – KM

1. SPINAL TAP

This is the ultimate fictional band OF ALL TIME. The members of Spinal Tap think they are THE BEST, THE HARDEST rock band, ambitiously performing their mediocre, uninspired opuses, fully believing themselves to be god-like.  The improvised style of film-making created a music mockumentary that all but defined a genre.If you’ve ever hung out with musicians, then you’ve met some version of these characters. They probably thought they were ROCK STARS when they booked their first show.  Somehow people followed along for awhile, and now you just laugh at their pomposity. Sometimes you take a look at Gavin Ross or Bret Michaels and you think about how seriously they seem to take themselves, and they have no “cool” left in them and Im sure if you followed them with cameras, it would resemble Spinal Tap quite a bit. We really should’ve turned this list up to 11 and put Spinal Tap on here twice. – LF