THE POPFILTER FALL TEEVEE PREVEE
the PopFilter Fall TeeVee PreVee
CBS
It’s my favorite time of the year, when we haven’t yet discovered that 90 percent of the time we spend watching new fall shows is a complete waste. The world is full of optimism and wonder. The nation twitches with excitement, hoping to add dozens of new shows to their already bursting DVRs. Taking a cue from PopFilter’s very own trailer trash, we’re going to create a safe place for future viewers to go and make their own decisions about what to watch, far away from TCAs and billboards. Let’s start with CBS who, thanks to their incredible, inexplicable success, had the fewest empty slots to fill.
BATTLE CREEK
WHAT IT BE:
Josh Duhamel and Dean Winters play two detectives (umm…True Detective anyone? Hello?) that are going to hit the hard core streets of television’s newest Baltimore, Battle Creek. Let the endless run of “cereal killer” jokes begin.
WHY IT MIGHT BE DEESE:
Dean Winters has deserved a lead role for years, after stealing countless scenes in shows like Oz, 30 Rock, and Brooklyn 99, to say nothing of his turn as one of America’s top five favorite insurance commercial characters. I think that’s about it. Oh…Vince Gilligan co-created it. That’s it.
WHY IT’LL PROBABLY SUCK BUTT:
It’ll be interesting to see how much influence Vince Gilligan has on this show. Was this an idea he scribbled on a cocktail napkin during CBS’ monthly Hollywood orgy, or is he going to actually be around and make this good? If the show can take a page from Breaking Bad’s book, not to mention the aforementioned True Detective, and build a real world orbiting cerealized storytelling, this might be awesome. Unfortunately, that’s not CBS’ bag.
HOW MANY EPISODES BEFORE I QUIT IT:
Four.
CSI: CYBER
WHAT IT BE:
Patricia Arquette headlines the CSI IV, where the subtitle isn’t the location of the investigators, but instead the types of crimes they work. And when you need someone to solve computery internet crimes, you mother fucking call Patricia Arquette.
WHY IT MIGHT BE DEESE:
After carbon copying the same show three times, the bored producers get the network’s permission to try something new and different, full of wonderful ideas and original characters.
WHY IT MIGHT SUCK BUTT:
Read the first three letters of the show’s title. There’s no reason to think it will be trash, but no reason for anyone outside die-hard CSI fans to get even remotely excited.
HOW MANY EPISODES BEFORE I QUIT IT:
One. I wish it could be less, but it will be one.
MADAM SECRETARY
PREMIERES SEPTEMBER 21st
WHAT IT BE:
Imagine if Veep was instead about the Secretary of State, but without being funny or good.
WHY IT MIGHT BE DEESE:
After creating Judging Amy and Joan of Arcadia for CBS a decade ago, Barbara Hall spent some time working on Homeland, before coming back to the CBS fold with Secretary of State. If Hall can find a balance between Amy and Homeland, it’s possible that CBS has another Good Wife on its hands, a comparison I make for many reasons other than they both feature two hot older ladies.
WHY IT MIGHT SUCK BUTT:
My guess? Secretary of State will focus much to much on the fact that Tea Leoni is a woman in the beginning of the show, followed by a stretch of episodes where they over-adjust and don’t consider it all. That lack of balance will doom the show.
HOW MANY EPISODES BEFORE I QUIT IT:
I can’t imagine I’ll watch more than the first couple.
THE MCCARTHYS
PREMIERES OCTOBER 30TH
WHAT IT BE:
Laurie Metcalf jumps into another blue collar (poor white trash) family, although this one is from Boston, so…you know. Ronny McCarthy moves back home, where his father, the coach of the local high school basketball team, offers Ronny the job of assistant coach. The thing is, though, is that Ronny is gay. Let the laughs begin.
WHY IT MIGHT BE DEESE:
Laurie Metcalf just recently proved that she hasn’t lost a step on HBO’s Getting On. Ronny is played by Tyler Ritter, who might have a fraction of his dad’s charm and timing.
WHY IT MIGHT SUCK BUTT:
Come on, really? CBS has a thing for these multi-cams that are just offensive enough to make grandmas turn red, which are typically the only people watching anyway. There’s no reason to think this won’t be more of their on-brand staleness.
HOW MANY EPISODES BEFORE I QUIT IT:
Already have.
NCIS: NEW ORLEANS
PREMIERES SEPTEMBER 23RD
WHAT IT BE:
NCIS, but in New Orleans.
WHY IT MIGHT BE DEESE:
The two new entries into the CSI/NCIS world of superstars are Lucas Black and Scott Bakula (whose powers combined equal those of Blackula’s) are fine, but the real find here is Paige Turco. Yeah. That’s right. That Paige Turco. The one who played April O’Neil in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze AND Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Resistance is Feudal. Is she capable of single-handedly making this a great show? Probably.
WHY IT MIGHT SUCK BUTT:
Just like CSI Cyber, it probably won’t. It’s a show made for a specific audience, and I’m sure that audience will love it. It’s a little sad that, with so few open spots in their schedule, CBS went and made another CSI, and another NCIS, but what are you going to do? The show’s audience will be 98 percent NCIS fans, and 2 percent New Orleans fans.
HOW MANY EPISODES BEFORE I QUIT IT:
Again, just the one.
THE ODD COUPLE
WHAT IT BE:
It’s that one premise, where the stuffy neatfreak and the loud slob are forced to live together forever in an apartment from hell. See also: the 1965 play of the same name, the 1968 film of the same name, the 1970 television show of the same name, a 1975 animated version called The Oddball Couple, a 1982 television show named The New Odd Couple, a 1998 film named The Odd Couple II, my nickname for my nipples, and sixty percent of all television shows since the invention of television.
WHY IT MIGHT BE DEESE:
Despite everything, Chandler might still have the most welcome Friends face, and everyone either loves Thomas Lennon, or they love “that one guy,” which turns out to be Thomas Lennon. Lennon and network television have never really mixed well, but this one might give him enough screen time to shine. Throw in some Big Red (Bring it On) and Bunk (bitch, please) and you got yourself a show.
WHY IT MIGHT SUCK BUTT:
Both lead actors have the chops to rise above their material, but do they have the chops to rise above their one-note characters, particularly when everyone around them is screaming “Don’t rise above your one note characters!!!”
HOW MANY EPISODES BEFORE I QUIT IT:
2 1/2. Halfway through the third episode, after the ninth time Thomas Lennon’s character’s sexuality is called into question, I throw my hands in the air and fart, signifying my loss of interest in this show.
SCORPION
PREMIERES SEPTEMBER 22ND
WHAT IT BE:
Much like that episode of The Simpsons, where Lisa joins Mensa and the five smartest citizens of Springfield roam around changing lives and renting gazeebos, Scorpion follows a team of super-smarties who dedicate their lives and computers to saving us dummy-dumbs from ourselves.
WHY IT MIGHT BE DEESE:
Uh…does the name Elyes Gabel mean anything to you? ‘EL YES it does. OK, maybe not. But how about American Idol moderate-star Katherine McPhee? Or Paul Finch himself Eddie Kaye Thomas. Person of Interest seems to have outgrown its CBS roots and become its own show. Scorpion might be the next show to do that…
WHY IT MIGHT SUCK BUTT:
…or it just becomes another Person of Interest, yet another CBS show trying to capitalize on the popularity of other CBS shows. This is the show that seems to be the most up in the air.
HOW MANY EPISODES BEFORE I QUIT IT:
If they can figure out just a couple of ways to make the pilot stand out, this one might be fun. It’s not really a safe bet, though.
STALKER
PREMIERES OCTOBER 1ST
WHAT IT BE:
CSI: Los Angeles: Special Victims Unit (The Special Victims have been stalked. By stalkers.)
WHY IT MIGHT BE DEESE:
After making his name with the Scream franchise, Kevin Williamson is almost exclusively a television show creator, with varied results. As many stinkers as he has had, they’ll usually form some extreme opinions, and that’s something you can’t say about other CBS shows. He might just be the shock to the system that these procedurals need.
WHY IT MIGHT SUCK BUTT:
We already know that, for all intents and purposes, it probably does. Williamson got into it with a grip of television critics, responding poorly to their questions regarding how anyone could make such a garbage television show. Defensive creator + typically meek critics sounding off face-to-face = my prediction for the first CBS show to get canceled.
HOW MANY EPISODES BEFORE I QUIT IT:
I’ll watch half of the shows that air, so one.