Ten [of the] Top Cult Movies

I struggled as much with this list as I do every time someone asks me what my favorite movie is. ( I’ll give you my favorite blockbuster, my guilty pleasure, my favorite to watch over and over, my childhood favorite and my top pick in every genre…but don’t ask me to pick my all-time favorite unless you want to watch my brain short circuit.) Also it turns out most of my favorite movies are severely bizarre cult classics…not sure what that says about me, but I digress. Even after these ten were compiled more and more somehow kept getting added to the list, so I’m going to have to do a second and maybe third parter someday soon down the line. Because it can’t be done half-assed, a list of cult classics is a list of some of the most imaginative, subversive and generationally significant movies ever made. Also there’s usually lots of blood and boobs for some reason. So as always in no particular order here are [some] top ten cult movies.

Freaks (1932)

The story of a treacherous trapeze artist in a traveling circus plotting to murder her midget husband and make out a rich widow, this one is oldest movie on this list and just steeped in the best kinds of rumors and intrigue. Banned in the UK for years and forced by US Censors to be dramatically cut, Tod Browning’s horror classic Freaks is legit terrifying mainly due to all the pre-standards casting of actual sideshow “freaks.” The brilliance of Freaks is how it spends the majority of the time proving how sweet and kind the freaks are, but when that whole gang of pinheads and mutants infamously chants it’s acceptance voodoo it’s scarier than any violent murder plot. Because people suck.

Best Line: No question it’s got to be “Gobble gobble, gobble gobble. We accept her. One of us, one of us.”

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

 With deadpan jokes flying a mile a minute, spot-on music industry satire and a legitimately rocking tongue-in-cheek soundtrack, the ultimate mockumentary was practically made for cult status. The continued impact of Spinal Tap is evident in every music store across the country every time someone asks to “turn it up to 11.”  Fans loved the trials and tribulations of the aging metal band so much that Harry Shearer, Michael McKean and Christopher Guest actually toured in character as the fictional-turned-real band, just to keep the waters of movie vs. reality perpetually muddled.

Best Line: “There’s something about this that’s so black, it’s like how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.”

Reefer Madness (1936)

 Thank God for this propaganda film developed back in the day to warn parents and America about the horrors of getting mellow with Mary Jane, how else would we know about all the marijuana-related rapes and homicides??  Or how easy it is for doped up teens to descend into madness and say, chop up their family with an axe…hey man I bet that’s what happened to Lizzie Borden. The wild claims and over the top everything about this ridiculous melodrama keep it entertaining 78 years later. I recommend pairing it with a healthy bong rip to simultaneously enhance the film’s insanity and stick it to the man…unless you’re in Colorado where the man is your new best friend.

Best Line: Really nothing beats the opening monologue “The motion picture you are about to witness may startle you. It would not have been possible, otherwise, to sufficiently emphasize the frightful toll of the new drug menace which is destroying the youth of America in alarmingly increasing numbers. Marihuana is that drug – a violent narcotic – an unspeakable scourge – The Real Public Enemy Number One!”

 

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

If you’ve ever identified as a nerd there is a 100% chance you went through a big Monty Python phase at some point, probably in High School. In their first feature film, the Python-ites tell the story of King Arthur by weaving a fantastic tapestry of absurdist humor equally rife with political satire as double entendres and dirty cartoons. Like most cult films Holy Grail disappointed at the box office but endured on VHS for years, gaining a devout following with arguably more quotable lines than the Bible itself. To this day it’s easy to find fellow fans happy to debate the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow or how to tell if someone is a witch. And I hear telling a girl she’s got huge…tracks of land is still the number one pickup line in England.

Best Line: “But you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.”

Office Space (1999)

 Mike Judge was already a pop culture icon of the small screen due to animated masterpieces Beavis and Butthead and King of the Hill when he turned his satirical eye to film the instantly classic struggle of cubicle drudgery and the modern man. The formula for the continued success of his very first film is clear: Everyone who has ever hated their boss, their job, their coworkers or the piece of shitty machinery can relate to Peter’s desire to end the bullshit…and since not everyone is willing to commit a felony to get their aggression out and thus Office Space endures so we can all live vicariously through movie characters. Be warned if you didn’t look around for your own printer or proxy to beat to death after this movie then you’ve already lost your soul in the florescent grind, and are just a few steps above muttering to yourself about your stapler…or burning down the building.

Best Line: “I uh, I don’t like my job, and, uh, I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore.”

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

 Stanley Kubrick’s work is so ahead of its time and inventive that he may be the only mainstream filmmaker simultaneously managing an extremely rabid cult following. All of his movies could be considered for this list, but the Clockwork Orange’s special brand of Technicolor ultra-violence bordering on slapstick and set to classical music really hits all the absurd notes necessary for cult classic status.  Not to mention the built-in fan costume options. I mean do you ever get another reason to wear the universally flattering codpiece and bowler??

Best Line: “Ho, ho, ho! Well, if it isn’t fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!”

Mommie Dearest (1981)

Based on a true story of Joan Crawford’s child abuse and insanity, this sordid, behind-the-scenes look at glamorous Old Hollywood has all the markings of a really serious drama. You can tell everyone on set believed they were making true Oscar gold, and so it’s almost a shame that Mommie Dearest is so ironically beloved for its campiness and mega dose of “so bad it’s good.” Faye Dunaway’s performance of Crawford is equal parts chillingly perfect and hilariously broad, she looks ridiculously overdramatic in every scene but you get the feeling so did Crawford in her day. Though it won the Razzie for Worst Movie of the Decade, Mommie Dearest’s bizarre performances and sumptuous costumes and sets will always have a devout following on the Midnight movie circuit. After all it’s like the original True Housewives of Whatever, just shallow, drunk bitches screaming and stumbling around the pool in fabulous clothes.

Best Line: Duh “No… wire… hangers. EVER”

Evil Dead II (1987)

 Now with even more gore, tree-branch rape and one-liners! The entire Evil Dead franchise is a cult classic but chapter 2 really takes center stage in the Sam Raimi/Bruce Campbell collaboration of bloody dreams. Part remake and part-parody sequel, Evil Dead II begins again with the cabin in the woods and the evil Necrimonicon taking possession of hapless vacationers and leading them to violent murderous actions. But where the original was gritty and darkly funny in all its low-budget glory, the sequel stuffs the story full with ten times more slapstick gags and even more blood resulting in a gloriously over the top and funny gore-fest. The scene showing Ash descending into madness by laughing maniacally along with every piece of furniture in the room is a personal favorite of mine. Bruce Campbell’s performance really captures the simultaneous despair and hilarity that’s kept him as Cult King for his entire career…plus the chainsaw arm is pretty badass.

Best Line: “I don’t think so. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound “fine”?”

Pink Flamingos (1976)

 John Waters practically sets out to make cult films, often waxing poetic on his love of exploring the themes of sexual repression and desires, exhibitionism and trash cinema. His transgressive style purposefully pushes the boundaries of the censors and he often buries biting social commentary in sensationalized and hyperbolic situations and characters. The crowing jewel of his “Trash Trilogy”, Pink Flamingos is the surreal story of two families fighting over the title of “The Filthiest People Alive.” And they prove that in all manner of ways including but not limited to incest, cannibalism, crushing a live chicken during sex, eating dog shit, and keeping impregnated sex slaves to fuel the black market adoption ring.  Some of it is so ridiculous it’s funny… but mostly Pink Flamingos is just really fucked up when you realize just how much of the film’s shenanigans are completely un-simulated. Like…basically everything. Ew.

Best Line: “Blood does more than turn me on, it makes me cum. And more than the sight of it, I love the taste of it. The taste of hot, freshly killed blood…Kill everyone now! Condone first degree murder! Advocate cannibalism! Eat shit! Filth are my politics! Filth is my life!”

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

Aliens, check! Monster created by a mad scientist, check! Cannibalism, check! Sex crazed characters running around half naked, check! The reigning champion of the cult movie crown The Rocky Horror Picture Show has everything necessary to make a truly beloved cult classic, from the campiness of the production to the intense audience participation component.  This love letter to classic B horror films introduced the world to a young and yummy corset-clad Tim Curry and the eighties would never be the same. Midnight showings of everyone’s favorite Science Fiction “Double Feature” still bring out the freaks, geeks, goths and virgins every weekend for almost 40 years now. The world would truly be a better place if it was mandatory for everyone to attend just once to experience the Time Warp, throwing toast at the actors, and getting pulled onstage for the de-virginizing ceremony. Classic.

Best Line: “So come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab. I see you shiver with antici… pation.” -Or- “A mental mind-fuck can be nice.” – AS